CRAGMAN - reverse what if's

It's typical for grieving people to be filled with "What Ifs"... also known as "wudda, cudda, shuddas." E.g., "If only I had done this or that, it might have made a difference." This is actually a kind of magical thinking. It seems to emanate from an irrational belief we have or had the "power" to prevent or change what happened in the past.

Wishes and regrets that can never be fully resolved can be quite painful. I know this, as I have many of them.

I have already made a list of the things I don't regret, which was very helpful for me. I decided it might also help to make a list of "reverse" what's ifs. I figure if I can drive myself crazy thinking about what I didn't do right, or the things that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, why not consider the opposites?

This exercise is kind of like imagining "revisionist history." Some historians play these games, pondering different outcomes such as "what if the Nazi's had won World War II...how would our world be different today?"

Here are my reverse what ifs...

What if I had never met Doug?
What if I had never broken up with Alan and gone out with Doug?
What if he had never broken up with his girlfriend, which made him available to me?
What if Doug were 6 inches taller with a full head of hair? He probably would never have been single when I found him. His height and Captain Pickard look were fine with me!
What if we had never gotten married?
What if I had waited even longer to get married?
What if we had gotten married earlier, before I was ready to fully commit and then it didn't work out, or I made him miserable with my doubt?
What if I had been even more selfish, and denied him the things he loved, like climbing?
What if he had died during one of his dangerous activities, like lifting the barn or roofing the house? Or climbing a mountain, far from home?
What if I had not left my job in Long Island to be at home with Doug?
What if I had continued working and traveling full time, and had much less time with him?
What if his parents had never forgiven me for breaking up with him in the past? I wouldn't have them now.
What if he was my entire life, and I had no interests, friends, or way to earn money? Then I would really be in trouble.
What if I had not made time with him a priority, skipping night meetings, turning down work that involved extensive travel, etc?
What if losses earlier in my life had not made me realize how precious our time together was?
What if we had not gone on a date a week, or had so many adventures together?
What if I had not forced him to go to the doctor when he was initially having breathing problems in the fall after he started taking Benicar. Or when he fainted back in March? (Unfortunately the cause was apparently misdiagnosed anyway, or the proper tests were not done, based on what we know now.)
What if I had done nothing to encourage him to live a more healthy lifestyle (even though it didn't work) in terms of eating better, drinking less, and taking his medicine?
What if Doug had been diagnosed with cardiovascular problems and was told he had to give up his active lifestyle? How would he have tolerated that?
What if we had spent the night apart the night before?
What if I had been away from home on travel when he passed away?
What if he never knew how much I loved and appreciated him?
What if I had hurt him badly - e.g., by having an affair?
What if we had a horrible fight the day or night before?
What if we hadn't had that last long weekend together?
What if I had bought more life insurance, but got the accidental death kind that I expected would be more likely to be applicable? It would have served no purpose and I would have even less money now.
What if he had collapsed at home and I was unable to revive him? How would I live with the guilt?
What if Doug had made it a couple hundred more yards, and died underneath the bridge or in the woods, in a less well-travelled area where he might not have been found for hours or even days?
What if he HAD been revived and suffered brain damage?
What if he had lived, and his condition had worsened, he was disabled and miserable, and unable to enjoy life?
What if I had died first, left him alone and he was the one to suffer?

The "what ifs" will be different for each person, but I think this is a useful exercise. It helps put things in perspective.

These what ifs are probably no less valid than the others I have been tormenting myself with.

I'm definitely not saying I will ever be happy or content with what happened! No scenario could compare with Doug living a healthy life. All I can hope for is that someday I will:

accept that I had no real power to change the outcome
recognize that many alternative outcomes could have been even worse, and
be able to carry on, and live my life in a way that would have made Doug happy and proud.

08/17/2010

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