Typical stages of dealing with loss include disbelief/denial, anger and blame, bargaining, depression and sadness, and ultimately (in most cases) acceptance. (Read more.) For now, I have landed in a different place - disconnection.

Imagine you have a toaster. Every time you touch it, it delivers a painful shock. So what would you do? Probably unplug it. That's what I mean by disconnection. Unplugging. I find it too painful to connect with thoughts of Doug and the past, so I disconnect or dissociate myself from it. I try not to think about it, or let myself feel that pain.

The problem is, I have also disconnected from just about everything else. Other feelings, people, and places. I am a shell of myself, floating above life, but not really engaged in it. Half-heartedly observing instead of participating. Withdrawn. Perhaps this is really a part of depression or sadness.

I probably had a tendency to do this before Doug died, but he had the ability to drag me out of it, with a funny story or a walk in the woods. I need to figure out how to do that myself now.

October 18, 2014