Doug was a creature of consistency. He had a lot of sayings. Some came from classic movies or jokes. Some he made up. Here are a few of the many things I heard over and over in the 27 years I knew him.

• It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
• It's an ugly cat! (in response to the oft-asked question "What kind of cat is that?")
• You're going to hell (frequent reminder to me after I misbehaved or teased him about being lazy or having a fat ass both of which were, of course, totally untrue)
• You're so lucky! (frequent reminder to me. I would usually reply that I knew he was right.)
• You could have married him! (typically in reference to a toothless 400 lb. Wal-mart shopper with a bad haircut, usually following "You're so lucky.")
• The Complaint Department is closed (in response to whining. Very effective.)
• Everything's broken (frequent lament about This Old House or our ancient vehicles)
• Never make plans when you're drinking.
• Details, details.
• Boating is my life (he always got sea sick. Not really a fan of boating. He preferred hiking or climbing.)
• Golfing is my life (he only golfed about once a year. Golfing and "swing oil" went together.)
• Shopping is my life (he developed an aversion to malls after years with Mistakey [the name we used to refer to his ex-girlfriend Marcy]
• Baby steps. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it. We're almost there. (Coaxing me up the steep part of a trail. The "we're almost there" part was generally a lie :-)
• But I'm so cute! (When seeking forgiveness or distraction after doing something bad)
• Chili today, hot tamale (weather prediction)
• Look at them guns! (Showing off his muscular biceps.)
• Does this bug you? (Poking me over and over again in the arm, to demonstrate me how annoying I could be)
• "We" is many people. (in response to my admonitions that "we" had to fix something around the house. He knew he was the one who was going to end up doing it.)
• Nothing is easy. (Mostly applied to repair work. Sometimes paired with "Installacion facile! Three easy steps!" from a pamphlet about how easy it would be to install a doorbell, which ended up taking about 2 days. It still doesn't work right.)
• Green is for gross (Dawn, his dental hygienist, knew this one. He always mixed up our toothbrushes, so all of his had a green handle for gross. After he used a toothbrush a few times, it looked like he had been scrubbing bricks with it.)
• Gentle is my middle name (after breaking something, or when I screeched at him to"Be gentle!")
• Here's looking up your new address! (toasting with a tasty beverage)
• I married a Screech Owl. (no explanation needed)
• He was busy ironing his skirt (why someone couldn't go on a run that day)
• Enquiring minds want to know (the tagline from the National Enquirer, which he would often buy for me, even though he was a Weekly World News (BatBoy) fan
• Where's the cat? (he was very worried the cat would escape outside. He would often ask me this after we had been sitting together for a few hours on the sofa watching a movie, even though I hadn't left his side, and had no more idea where the cat was than he did)
• Let's walk the property/let's check out the Back 40 (at the end of the day, to admire our homestead or his handiwork)
• Bet, you've got to come out here and see this! (dragging me away from the computer to see some sky scene)
• What's the scoop, droop?
• I doodleydoodley do. (This might be another Simpsons quote.)
• I'm way ahead of you! (in thinking, which he usually wasn't, although he got to know me so well he often knew what my next idea (for his "honeydo" list was going to be.)
• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" (stupid Jack Benny joke.)
• Oh Mrs. Zimmerman, what a NICE kitty you have! (during roughhouse play as the cat tried puncture Doug's jugular)
• "We've" got to do a lot of things. (in response to me saying "we have to do this or that")
• But I'm so cutteeeeeeeee! (This one is on here twice because he used it a lot when trying to get out of trouble or convince me not to be mad at him anymore)
• Denial is a river in D'Africa.
• Escarole. (one time we were having a discussion about types of lettuce, and I remarked that this was probably the most boring conversation ever held. After that, when things got dull, he would simply say "escarole.")
• Note to self.
• Hard bodies, hard livers.
• I love going to Wal-Mart because I feel like the smartest, best looking person in the store.
• I crack myself up. (Said after he, and only he, laughed at one of his stupid jokes.)
• No piling on! (I would make a to do list, and then as soon as he crossed one thing off, I would add three more.)
• A body in motion stays in motion (When he didn't want to stop working and sit down and relax because he figured he wouldn't be able to get up again)
• He throws his money around like a man with no arms!!
• Where the fug-ow-we? (source: an old stupid joke. Used when we got lost)
• I can't lift my arms. I have to go back to work to recover. (at the end of a long hard day of working around the house or climbing). (His "day job" was at an office)
• I'm whupped (at the end of a long hard day of work or play)
• Details, details (when referring to something really important)
• You're incorrigible! (when Bob or I did something bad or selfish)
• How could I have known? (usually after I told him something nine gazillion times [if not more] and then it went south because he didn't do it)
• Fire Good. (on a hoary winter night)
• It wasn't me! (e.g., denying that flinging his arms around wildly that resulted in breakage. See Doing a Doug)
• It's noon somewhere (AKA time a tasty beverage)
• Okeley Dokely and Doodeledoodeleedo. I don't know where these came from - probably The Simpsons. One of the things I loved about Doug is he often said yes.
• Our modelling careers are over (why we shouldn't worry too much about what we looked like. He dressed like a homeless man. Preferred not to shave on the weekends. Let me cut his hair myself.)
• The liver is a muscle. You must exercise it.
• We don't know how it's going to end, or when, but we do know it's going to end badly. (preface to an unwise adventure)
• Look at them guns! (encouraging me to admire his arm muscles)
• Look at that six pack! (pointing to his stomach, at which time I would usually comment thta it looked more like a keg. Of course totally not true.)
• Hey Bettttt! Dirk's here! (calling up to my office at the end of a weekend day, as Dirk arrived for a chat and tasty beverage)
• Pull my finger (sheesh)
• The Body Beautiful (when someone off-gassed or burped)
• I attended Juilliard [... I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the Exorcist about 167 times, and] it just keeps getting funnier every single time... (Micheal Keaton in Beetlejuice, when asked about his qualifications for advising dead people.)
• I toldya three times! (from Scarface, the movie.)
• I am Benefits Boy (I got to go part-time because he had great State insurance etc. Also a reason I should never divorce him)
• 'State Workers' is an oxymoron. I am a State Employee.
• You haven't lived till you've pissed blood for three days (after a marathon)
• Everything's a f**cking joke (source: Jimmy Gotta I think)
• Neat (as in awesome)
• Stow stow stow your food, safely away from bears, Bearily, Bearily Bearily Bearily, Food left out is theirs! (Song he learned at a park ranger performance while climbing in Yosemite)
• Are you ready for some football? (before a game on TV. We were both in the football pool. Tenzing the Cat did much better than Doug did - in fact Tenzing won it in 2009.)
• Always forward, never straight.
• It's all a part of growing up. (When there was an ache or pain.)
• One thing at a time! (An attempt to keep me from piling on. He liked to finish one project before starting another. Like most men, he was a linear thinker. My grasshopper thinking short-circuited his brain.)
• Let's watch Lester Holt (on NBC news. He knew I hated it when Holt was the anchor instead of Williams. Holt has this big conehead and always looks like he is going to smile or start laughing even when reporting on disasters)
• BEEE-UTIFUL! (after someone related something that had gone horribly wrong)
• Booze and power tools - they go together!
• And what have we learned? (In Doug's case, the true answer was often absolutely nothing.)
• You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too (always at the end of the birthday song)
• If you want something knocked over, get a goat. (We had been told our pet pygmy-mix goats would be useful and do things like eat poison ivy and multiflora rose. Instead, we have learned they mostly break things.)
• If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.
• I love my coffee, I love my coffee piping hot! (sung)
• Do you need a hat? (He asked me this every time we went outside.)
• You don't take a dump on your own time - you do that on State time! (in the locker room after running). And Hey Kenny, ever hear of a courtesy flush? (according to Mark C, said after a entering the locker room after someone stunk out the joint, regardless of whether or not Kenny was the source)
• Lady, you sure talk a lot (to me - no explanation needed)
• Can't these people solve their own problems? (from the Simpsons, when Chief Wiggins of comes back to the office and sees 27 messages on his answering machine, as he hits the delete button.)
• More Death in the Valley (when some of our ducks got eaten or goats croaked)
• Why, I'm offended. (spoken in a faux huffy tone. This was always a joke, in response to something said that was actually true, such as "you eat like a savage.")
• Better living through chemistry (approach to weed and cholesterol control)
• There are old climbers and bold climbers, but there are no old bold climbers.
• Nothing works in an old house but the owner (boy ain't that the truth)
• I'm conceptualizing (while staring at a project or standing in the driveway)
• Shooooooooooore (long drawn out "sure," usually following an inquiry as to whether he would like a beer)
• The job's not over till you've cleaned up (or something to that effect. It drove him crazy when I left a mess behind.)
• Ow, quit it (after hurting self repeatedly)
• You need to calm down (to me, trying to get me to stop adding things to his "honeydo" list" that were all marked "urgent" or to stop freaking out about something)
• What's going on? (long, drawn out)
• Hey! (when we drove by a truck filled with hay bales, or standard greeting)
• It's my birthday month! (Doug celebrated the entire month, which meant he was allowed to get his way for most of it.)
• Righty tighty, lefty loosey. (I find myself using this one a lot when trying to remember which direction to turn something in.)
• Whatever you want (I never could hear this one enough)
• No harm, no foul.
• My heavens.
• Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss (every time management at DEP changed - sung to the tune by The Who.)
• Any gift with a handle means work. (I did give him shovels, rakes etc. - but was trying to make his life easier.)
• Not long enough (in response to the question I asked him every morning - How did you sleep?)
• As they say down at the post office, Here's looking up your old address! (toast)
• It's over (when I asked him what was the best thing that happened at work that day)
• It seemed like a good idea at the time (usually after some disaster)
• Every plumbing job involves at least three trips to the hardware store.
• Don't you worry your pretty little head about it! (attempt to distract from something that had gone seriously wrong)
• When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, it's amore. (He was so romantic!)
• So long Stink Town! (on the way out of Hartford, on the van)

Posted 07/06/2010

"As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen,"
~ Winnie the Pooh