Dr. Matthew Nock, one of the most influential suicide researchers in the world, found that most people who had attempted suicide tend to share at least one detail - "Virtually all of them say 'I'm glad I didn't die.'

[Note: I wrote this article about four months after my husband died suddenly.]

In the days after I lost Doug, a close friend of mine (JC) could tell I was falling apart. While Doug was alive, JC had heard me say that if anything ever happened to my husband, I couldn't go on. (That was despite the fact that Doug drove me crazy sometimes.)

JC had the courage and sensitivity to ask me to tell him if I had thoughts about killing myself. He also begged me not to take such an action. He said others couldn't bear it. He reminded me of the pain and guilt it would cause others.

I was not offended. I appreciated that they cared about me enough to worry. I would wager that most people have considered suicide at one time or another, particularly after a terrible loss.

It would probably NOT be normal to NOT get sad and depressed for some period of time after such a loss. Bereaved people who claim they have not considered suicide may NOT be telling the truth. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are much more common than most people realize. If a room were filled with 1,000 people, and you asked anyone who had lost someone to suicide to raise their hand, there would be a shocking number of hands in the air.

As for me, I did not spend a night alone in the This Old House for the first month. I think friends and family stayed over in part because they were not quite sure I might not be tempted to jump out a window.

Honestly, I do feel that my life is over. And in reality, life as I knew it IS over. It is as if I have been torn in half. (There was actually a half moon in the sky the night Doug left. Like the photo below, which I didn't take.)

I certainly do NOT want to imagine life without Doug, even if it IS my new reality. I know it would be easier for me to not to have to deal with the pain and the hassle. I am dwelling in a very dark place right now, as I try to process grief.

Before this, I wanted to live long and be healthy so I could continue to enjoy the wonderful life I shared with Doug. I wanted to grow old with him.

I will admit that now, at this point in the grief process, I would not be sad if I did accidentally lose my life. I would not be disappointed if I found out I had a terminal illness (as long as it didn't hurt too much or inconvenience others.) When walking (which helps me manage the stress), I often think of throwing myself in front of an oncoming vehicle. But I have decided against it, because I figured it would be awful and unfair for the person who hit me, it would be very messy, and I would probably end up paralyzed for life instead of dead.

I can understand why people commit suicide when they lose a loved one. Maybe they don't want to die, but they can't bear the pain and don't realize it will not last forever. Suicide is often driven by intense mental pain: hopelessness, a yearning for escape, a sense of not belonging (such as a sudden disruption in the fabric of daily life), and feelings of being a burden to others.

However, I am not really suicidal. The main reason is personal experience. In 1980, my twin sister took her own life. She had relationship, economic, depression, health and narcotics issues. She overdosed on drugs. We know it was intentional because she left a note. Up until now, I told very few people I know about this. It is intensely personal. There is a strong social stigma associated with suicide. It is also still incredibly painful for me to think about the choice she made.

What she did changed us. My brother, who has also had far more than his share of troubles and loss, said it was almost like she gave us a gift. Despite what happens to us, we would not make that choice. We know the havoc it wreaks on those who were left behind. Personally, no matter how bad things get, I don't think I could do that to the people I love. Even though it would be easier than dealing with the blows life deals out.

Others are so lost in suffering they cannot think of anything but their own pain. A few may want to punish someone else by killing themselves. I really don't want to punish anyone but myself. And I'll move beyond that some day.

I also don't have the courage. And I don't believe I would get to be with Doug if I took my own life, so there's not a lot of point. (To me that religious belief is actually a good motive for ending your life. Unless of course you believe people go to hell for committing suicide.)

Unfortunately, some people who make the ultimate choice give no clear advance clue of their intentions. This may be because of the stigma associated with suicide. They may be ashamed of socially unacceptable thoughts, or of appearing "weak." They may not want to worry you. They may be embarrassed. They may not want anyone to try to stop them.

Some may hint at, or tell you that they are having suicidal thoughts. If you try to stop or help them, don't expect them to be glad about it. If you are wrong, they may be offended. But ask yourself what is worse - - offending someone, or living forever with the guilt and pain of a wound that never heals.

Even with help, some people do choose to follow through. It is natural to be angry with them. However, it is not your fault (unless you were the one who pulled the trigger.) Try to remember that this was what they thought they wanted and needed. Unfortunately (for those left behind), they thought it was best. It is a crying shame they did not wait, as life often turns around in ways you could never anticipate.

Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, recommends that people considering suicide "cultivate a social life, get treatment for mental-health problems, exercise, give firearms to someone else for safekeeping, and consume alcohol only in moderation."

And, as Doug used to say (I can still hear his voice in my head)..."Just keep putting one foot in front other. Baby steps. You can do it!"

If you are close to the edge, please take a step back. You CAN survive.

(10/2010)

""To those who are feeling very lonely tonight, please know that I understand how you feel. That things will get easier. Please stick around to make those happy memories for yourself."
- Joel Burns, 10/12/2010

MORE

• Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1.800.273.8255
• SAVE: Suicide Awareness - Voices of Education
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• How I survived
• Progress (month by month, the changes I experienced.)
• Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide - a book
• Helping survivors of suicide heal
• Grief and Safety
• More on grieving (various topics)
• What I miss most about Doug and our life together
• Sainthood (NOT) - Things about Doug that annoyed or drove me crazy
• Wishes and Regrets
• Fears and Worries
• What I need - how to help a grief stricken person - do's and don'ts
• Stages of grief
• Grow old along with me
• The Hemlock Society - compassion and choices for dignified death and legalized physician aid in dying for the terminally ill.
• Why it is unlikely that I will ever be so lucky in love again
• Bereavement Support Groups - pros, cons, bottom line (10/04/2010)
• What to expect when you are bereaved (10/10/2010)
• The nest of the loneliness birds
• How to get your happy back
• Suicide warning signs, help and resources, understanding suicide and depression