A SAMPLING OF 50th Birthday mayhem
Carnage the Day After.
Doug learns grossest part of clean-up is removing the juicy pig carcass from the basement, and separating the recyclables in 10 bags from the Fluffy Bunny spit-up.

July 21, 2007 (Doug and I wrote this together the Day After)

Also see photo album

  • Pat Palmiotto calls to say they will be running late. Bet wonders who the f--- the Palmiotto’s are and why they are coming to the party. [She forgot Pat and Ronnie have different last names.]
  • Barb calls and says Stu is broken down by “somewhere near a pond and a Yale Forest sign.” (Note: the Yale Forest is 7,840 acres). Reportedly the tire fell off their camper and rolled ¼ mile down the road, while the axle was gouging the asphalt.
  • Doug goes to the rescue and stands around because concerned locals have already recovered the wheel and brought an industrial-strength jack. Doug guides the victims a mere four miles further to party central.
  • While Doug is gone, Bet is filling up a lemonade container and the phone rings. She forgets the water is running and goes outside. Upon her return, she notices there is 2” of water on the kitchen floor (and also in the lower kitchen cabinets and basement.)
  • While Doug mops up the mess, Fred drives his truck over the sawhorse in the driveway placed there to keep people from driving on the driveway.
  • All guests are required to complete nametags, indicating what they are interested in, and what they want to be when they grow up. Anyone who leaves theirs blank is punished by Bet. On the nametag of one victim, she fills in that he wanted to be a transvestite when he grew up. Mark C indicates he is interested in himself, and wanted to be a State employee (which he is. Notice he didn’t say “State worker” as that would have been an oxymoron.)
  • D.B. was on the potluck list for dessert, and shows up with stale Girl Scout Cookies in a box soaked with fish juice. Other dishes were delicious.
  • Whiffle ball – great defense and lousy offense on both sides. Ronnie slides into second and home and is miraculously unhurt, despite his advanced age. Doug strikes out and forgets to run to first. (He should have spent less time drinking and more time studying IAM Little League films). Two hamstring injuries are sustained – one victim was over 50 and one was under 50. The Birthday Boys survive unscathed.
  • The ZHO is held with a personal caddy (Freddie driving lawn tractor.) Stu’s brother and Ronnie are lefties, but work through the challenging nine-hole course. Dentist Jack scores three holes-in-one on the Johnny-on-the-Spot, Hole-in-One, and another one, but somehow managed to miss the Desperate Housewives (wisteria.) Wendy’s husband had a back-to-back hole in one – not too shabby! The gallery went wild throughout the tournament, which was tragically cut short by a call for birthday cake.
  • Kids invade the goat pen and are lucky to survive Peanut’s horns.
  • Out of control youngsters plaster the Birthday Boys with water balloons. Chris uses a golf club to fend off one of his father’s attackers. Much to the young'uns surprise, Ronnie gets revenge by hosing the little devils down.
  • The Pig arrives adorned with party hat, sunglasses, and cigar in lieu of apple.
  • Fluffy bunny – always a classic. (People who had done it once never do it again, except for Fred.) Junior and Senior divisions competed. Penalty marshmallows eliminate Fred and Son.
  • Historical photos are shown, including the obligatory embarrassing baby shots of Doug naked. Great 60’s and 70’s hairdos and plaid outfits. Former Cheerleader Barb threatens to do cartwheels.
  • Chairs around the ring of fire, provided by wonderful neighbor Dirk, attract weary partiers who can no longer remain vertical.
  • Parents are shocked to learn that their 21 year old children have been spending their college career perfecting their beer pong skills. Keith (who has already graduated) fails to wash off the goat and duck-poop coated ping pong ball before drinking his penalty beers.
  • Keith (Fluffy Bunny and Beer Pong champ) slaloms home on his bicycle. Neighbor Bob crawls up his driveway.
  • The police never arrive (because we didn’t have fireworks).
  • At 1:30 a.m., a neighbor 1/4 mile away can hear Doug talking. To everyone’s surprise, Doug is the last man standing at 2:00 a.m., but manages to wake up last at 9:00 a.m., fortunately after the others have already dealt with most of the post-party carnage.
  • Freddie's son Chris inquires as to whether porta-potty charges are based on weight. Upon learning the rental is based on days, he uses it one last time.
  • Doug tries out the Whoopie Cushion and breaks it. (They don’t make ‘em like they used to.)
  • Doug learns grossest part of clean-up is removing the juicy pig carcass from the basement, and separating the recyclables in 10 bags from the Fluffy Bunny spit-up.
  • Thanks to all who went the distance and made the party a blast, and those who helped make Shaw Road whole once again. Looking forward to the 75th Celebration!



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