JUMP TO: What happened (The End) | Blog | Obituaries & Condolences | Services | Videos | Photos | Articles | Organ & Tissue Donation | Sharing & Stories | Giving a Tribute to Doug | Thank You | Hypertension & Benicar | Z Film Festival | Grieving

ABOUT THIS SITE

This website is also about dealing with loss.

For 27 years, Doug was my colleague, friend, true love and finally husband. While running, his heart of gold stopped suddenly, possibly due to a malignant arrhythmia. He was 52 years old. I set up this site in an effort to share Dougness with others who miss him like I do, or were not lucky enough to know him.

Writing here has also helped me process the turning upside down of my world. Perhaps what I have experienced and learned the hard way will help others dealing with a significant loss. Be forewarned that the early grieving parts are pretty raw, as they were written in the midst of devastation.

My life has changed a great deal since I started this blog. I could not have imagined the direction it would take. Fortunately, I was wrong about a lot of things.

I NEVER THOUGHT ~ Author unknown I never thought I could go on living when you died, but - I did. I never thought I would survive after burying you, but - I did. I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but - I did. I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but - I did. ... I never thought tomorrow would be different, but - it was. I never thought I would stop crying for you, but - I have. I never thought that I would ever sing again, but - I have. I never thought the pain would "soften," but - it has. I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but - I do. I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but - I have. I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but - I can. ... I never thought I'd smile again, but - I do. I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but - I do. I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but - I do. ... I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but - I have. I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but - I do. Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily, with a smile on my face and tears in my heart.

I was not wrong about the need to give it time, to be patient, and to be kind to myself.

I wish you healing and peace.

NEWER POSTS and ESSAYS: Blog | Why they want you to "get over it/move on/let go" | Near Death Experiences | A good death is denied to most | How to get your happy back | Anger | Sponsoring prizes for the 2013 Memorial Day 10K Race in Woodstock CT | What do with insurance, state or lawsuit settlement proceeds resulting from death

BLOG: Posts, and chronological listing of pages for those intrepid souls coming back for more, or who wish to see things in sequence.

• 26 reasons why I loved him

  Also see Blog for: June-July 2010 | August 2010 | September 2010 | October 2010 | November - February 2011 | March - June 2011 | July - October 2011 | November 2011 - June 2012 | July - December 2012 | January 2013 - June 2013 | June 21 2013 - December 2015 | January 2016 - Present

ORGAN and TISSUE DONATION

Doug was a tissue donor. Perhaps those who wish to honor him, and are comfortable doing so, will sign up to be organ and tissue donors. See:

• April is Donate Life Month, Rxtra, Hartford Hospital, 04/4/2011
• Doug Zimmerman's Gift of Life, Villager Newspapers, 07/23/2010 (PDF file)
• The Ultimate in Recycling - Organ Donation from December 2009 Our Better Nature

GRIEVING - see complete listing | Site Map

• Blog | Progress, month by month
• Links
• Books
• Stages of Grief
• What to expect when you are bereaved (10/10/2010)
• Planning the services (wake/calling hours/funeral/memorial service) (10/14/2011)
• Quotes and Poems that have touched me
  • I never thought (poem)
• What I need. How to help a grieving person - suggested do's and don'ts. (07/16/2010)
• Words of advice for the to be bereaved - things to do and think about BEFORE a loss (09/08/2010)
• Healing Rituals (07/17/2010)
  • Five candles - a holiday memorial and healing ritual (11/25/2010)
• The dragonfly story, by Doris Stickney (added 06/20/2010)
• My Fears and Worries (06/27/2010)
• Family and Friends cushioning the blow (06/30/2010)
• Changed financial circumstances (07/15/2010)
• Suicide and suicidal thoughts in the midst of grief (07/16/2010)
• Grief & Safety (07/20/2010)
• Interrupting rumination - alternative coping strategies (07/21/2010)
• Regrets and wishes (07/04/2010)
• The things I DON'T regret (07/22/2010)
• "You need to keep busy" (07/24/2010)
• Butterflies as a symbol of hope and new life (07/26/2010)
• Do the departed watch over us? Signs. Legacies. (07/28/2010)
• Living with Guilt and Thoughtworms (07/31/2010)
• Sudden death - what it is like for those left behind (08/11/2010)
• Gift basket ideas (sympathy, condolence, grieving) (08/12/2010)
• Things that trigger tears (08/17/2010)
• Walking Alone (09/04/2010)
• Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all? (09/05/2010)
• Redefining Loneliness (09/17/2010)
• Why it is likely that a lifetime of loneliness awaits me. The odds are against being so lucky in love again. (09/26/2010)
• Bereavement Support Groups - pros, cons, bottom line (10/04/2010)
• Planting parsley (10/06/2010)
• Sleepless nights (10/17/2010)
• The Nest of the Loneliness Birds
• Change in Martial Status (10/22/2010)
• The Nest of the Loneliness Birds
• Changes - Physical, Social, Mental and Emotional (11/05/2010)
• Attending a gathering for donor families (05/17/2011)
• Dealing with the ashes (05/18/2011)
• What I am grateful for (06/08/2011)
• Surviving the first year (06/18/2011)
• I met someone (07/11/2011)
• Delving into dating after death or divorce (10/05/2011)
• Planning services (funeral, calling hours, memorial service) (10/14/2011)
• What do I do with the wedding rings? (10/25/2011)
• Do I stay or do I go now? What to do about the house (11/15/2011)
• Guilty of surviving and loving again (12/03/2011)
• Denial (12/13/2011)
• Loss and pain in the heart and brain (12/15/2011)
• Things I was mistaken about (12/27/2011)
• The Raisin Widows (01/03/2012)
• The best (and worst) advice I received (01/12/2012)
• Dreams of the dead (02/02/2012)
• What to do with all their "stuff" (02/29/2012)
• I have a photograph (03/11/2012)
• Death is on the top ten stress list
• Selling the family home - why is it so hard (07/01/2012)
• Searching for answers to sudden death (07/04/2012)
• Dealing with a death that was preventable (07/28/2012)
• Going back to work after a loss (07/30/2012)
• A good death is denied to most (09/19/2012)
• Why they want you to get over it (10/01/2012)
• Thank you notes (10/14/2012)
• How to get your happy back (10/15/2012)
• Anger (12/24/2012)
• What do with insurance, state or lawsuit settlement proceeds resulting from death (01/2015)

VIDEOS

• Cat conkage. Doug plays with the cat and conks him on the noggin.
• Welcome to the Mouse House. Doug lets out a girlie man scream at the end.
• Doug and the snow
• Z slide show on YouTube, compiled by sister-in-law Tina Gallagher
• Memorial Service
  • Grow Old (Along) with Me, Emily John and Elinor Donahue (added 06/24/2010)
  • Ashokan Farewell, Jeff Davis (added 06/24/2010)

Not working right now:

• Singing in the Rain. Filmed by Bet while camping in the Gaspe Peninsula.
• Impromptu Geology Lecture | More about this one.
• The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow
• The Shootist. Doug and caulking guns (after working on some bluebird houses.) This performance was for my gun enthusiast brother John and his sons.
• Firewater - Doug at "Indian Chair" with a tasty beverage.

PHOTOS

• Hand in clouds
• More coming soon - there are so many

ARTICLES

• April is Donate Life Month, Rxtra, Hartford Hospital, 04/4/2011
• Climbers Go Where No One Has Gone Before, Hartford Courant, 08/01/1998
• My Hero (Our Better Nature newspaper column)
• Doug & Bluebirding (added 06/23/2010)
• The Ultimate in Recycling - Organ Donation (including Robert Test's poem "To Remember Me" (Our Better Nature)
• Possum Home Invasion (Our Better Nature)

Obituary, Eulogies & Condolences

• Obituary
• American Alpine Journal tribute by Bob Plucenik
• Gilman & Valade - Offer condolences or share memories of Doug
• Hartford Courant - Offer condolences or share memories of Doug
• Condolences combined on one page

• Eulogies at the Memorial Service on June 12, 2010
• Sharing Remembrances (Quaker Style)

SHARING & STORIES

• Some of the things I miss about Doug and our life together (07/08/2010)
• Sainthood - Not (07/11/2010)
• The End - what happened in those last days
• Quotes and Poems
• Stories
• Lisa: canoes and clouds
• Channeling Doug - What would Doug do? (06/25/2010)
• The Gift (07/01/2010)
• Sayings (Dougisms) (07/06/2010)
• Rope Man (07/11/2010)
• Our annual Christmas letters and collages (07/21/2010)

GIVING A TRIBUTE TO DOUG

• American Alpine Club - 710 10th St Suite 100, Golden, CO 80401
  • Giving
• Founders of Environmental Earth Science Fund (Eastern CT State University) - c/o ECSU Foundation, 83 Windham St., Willimantic CT 06226
  • Read more about the EES Fund.
  • Doug's experience at Eastern
• Woodstock Historical Society - PO Box 65, Woodstock CT 06281. Funds were used to create and maintain the Z Rock & Rain Garden.
• The North American Bluebird Society

• Organ Donation. Please consider signing up as an organ or tissue donor - More.
• Gifts of Many Colors

THANK YOU

• Special thanks to the non-profits, organizations and businesses who provided invaluable support to us:
  • Aetna Ambulance Service, Inc., of Hartford CT and the heroes who attempted to revive him. Read more.
  • Hartford Hospital Emergency Room Staff and Social Services of Hartford CT.
    • Donation
    • Special thanks to Dr. Michael Drescher, Associate Chief, Division of Emergency Medicine for information, kindness and patience, and to
    • Kelly Pabilionia of Social Services
  • Doug’s last act was giving the gift of sight and healing through tissue donation.
    • LifeChoice Donor Services
      • Special thanks to Sheila Murphy, Tissue Coordinator, LifeChoice
      • Doug Zimmerman's Gift of Life, article in the Villager Newspapers
      • The Ultimate in Recycling - organ donation article from Our Better Nature
  • Gilman & Valade Funeral and Cremation Service in Putnam CT. They helped us through one of the most difficult times in our life.
  • Road ID: The metal ID on Doug's running shoes made it possible for the Emergency Room staff to contact me and Doug's parents immediately. Read more.
  • The Hill Church of Woodstock CT for hosting Doug's memorial service, especially Pastor Jamie Harrison and "the church ladies."
  • Cuisine Duva of Columbia, CT- Paul and Diane Duva for catering at the service and being wonderful friends

  

SUDDEN DEATH, HYPERTENSION & BENICAR

• Doug's untimely death appeared to be the result of a malignant arrhythmia. It was not a heart attack or stroke. He did have hypertension and elevated cholesterol, and was on Benicar HCT and Crestor. Several months before he died, he experienced a fainting incident (syncope) while running. The doctor assumed it was the result of dehydration and stopping suddenly while running. It was probably cardiac in etiology. An autopsy revealed he had an enlarged heart and a "widowmaker."
• Three days after he died, the FDA issued a Drug Safety Communication: Ongoing safety review of Benicar and cardiovascular events. If you are taking Benicar, I urge you to read this notice and discuss alternatives with your physician. Read more.